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I was 13 years old when I stood in a crematorium in North London and watched my mother’s coffin moving away from me into the fire. I wanted to scream. To run to her. To hold her. I had no control over what was happening. No-one heard my silent screams.
Then my father had a psychotic episode. He was the happiest man in the world and then he was the saddest man in the world. Again, I had no control. I clung on to my elder brother, searching for something or someone that felt safe, solid, known. He softened my struggles, cradled them for me.
Then he took his own life and the world as I knew it shattered. I struggled with everything – intense fear, grief, loneliness, panic attacks, helplessness, shame, loss. The struggle engulfed me. It suffocated and strangled me.
We experienced loss. The loss of life as we knew it. The loss of people, of physical connection, relationships, jobs, hobbies, travel, hopes for the future and so much more.
We grieved our losses individually and collectively as we watched the landscapes of our lives morph before our eyes. We are living this seismic shift right now. How we struggle with this intense time of change will determine what our future looks like, what our new landscape is. Is it lush and green or withered and dry?
For 15 years I ran away from my deepest struggle. The struggle to confront what lay within me. The shadow parts of myself I didn’t want to see, the pain I didn’t want to face, and the ocean of grief I didn’t want to feel. What are the shadow parts of yourself that when not acknowledged constrain you?
Then, one day, when I was 32, I stopped running. I learned to stand still. I learned to turn towards, not away from the darkness within. This turning towards was the platform for learning to struggle well. It laid the foundations to thrive.
Today, I am a firefighter. I’m studying for a PhD. I attained my Australian surf lifesaving representative cap at the age of 48, and I wrote a book. I’d never really thought much about thriving until I realised what thriving felt like. It’s expansive, bountiful and vibrant. Yet it has a gentle solidity to it. A feeling of completeness, of connectedness. We have to know what thriving feels like to manifest it. We have to know what it looks like for us in every aspect of our lives. So, invest time in building the intricate rich tapestry of the life you want, not the pre-pandemic one you had.
One of the biggest barriers to thriving is our cultural dependence on instant gratification. We are addicted to it. Learning to struggle well, is an investment in your future. When you give up an addiction, your overall happiness may take a temporary dive, as you put in the effort to effect change, let go of old habits and learn new skills. You won’t get that instantaneous positive feedback. You do, however, give yourself a chance to live your best life.
2. Reset and redefine your goals
What did lockdown teach you about what’s important in life? Our default is always to return to the familiar, the known. It’s comfortable. Don’t just try to return to normal. Seek more. Go beyond. Dismantle the old to build the new.
3. Actively remember this time
Don’t try to forget it. In order to change and to thrive, you have to remember what you learned. This is why you need to write it down. Get yourself a journal and start writing.
4. Start with the end in mind
Ask yourself, what do you want your life to look like? Then write it down in intricate detail. Picture it and imagine how it feels to live that life, drawing on what you learned from the last few months.
5. Think about what it is that you struggled most with in lockdown
Dive deep into it. Beyond the superficial. Be curious. What challenged you the most and why? The ‘why’ bit is crucial. Don’t ignore it. It’s a key tool for learning about yourself.
6. What did you lose that you truly valued?
What did those losses mean to you? Use this as a guide to write a list of your top five values. Then constantly strive to live your life in a way that respects, integrates and acknowledges those values.
7. What did you discover that you gained through lockdown?
Write a list. Hold yourself accountable to stay with those gains. Use them as a driver for positive change.
8. What does ‘thriving’ look and feel like to you?
Look to your values, your strengths and your passions for guidance.
If you did, dig deep into the ‘why?’ More often than not, we use those habits to numb difficult emotions. This is your challenge, to find the strength to just ‘be with’ those emotions. As you begin to move towards thriving, those unhealthy habits gradually start to fall away. They have less control over you.
10. What are the self-limiting beliefs you hold about yourself?
Unpack them. Where did they come from? Work to break them down. It will set you free.
11. Identify your deepest fears
At our core, as humans our greatest fears are founded on three things: ‘I’m not good enough’, ‘I’m not lovable’ and ‘I don’t belong’. How did those fears manifest during the pandemic? Turning towards your fears, not away from them, with the right support, unleashes your greatest strength. It is one of the most powerful tools to thriving.
Support comes in many forms. It’s about finding the right support for you, at the right time. Play with the options. They are infinite. Psychologists, wellness coaches, good friends, meditation groups, self-help books or courses, community groups or organisations, clubs that speak to your passions. Find what works for you. Build a myriad of support. It connects you to life.
There’s no flowchart to follow that will lead you to thriving. Each of our landscapes is different, but when you embrace your deepest struggles you shine a light on your own unique path. A path that guides you towards a flourishing, thriving you.
Remember, this is your opportunity. Grab it with everything you have.
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Stargazer – astrology May 2024
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I choose not to be a cancer victim
Beth Akister: "The time between first being told I had cancer & having my breast removed was 5 weeks... 5 unexpected lessons learnt during my cancer journey.”
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Stargazer – astrology Apr 2024
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Stargazer – astrology for Jan 2024
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1
2020: The year I started getting paid while lounging in the nude
How coping with the lockdown started a new business, re-ignited a creative passion, and cured anxiety.
2
The environment in a post-lockdown world
Earlier this year, the world entered unchar ted waters when a coronavirus outbreak turned into a global pandemic. This placed the citizens of most industrialised countries in an unprecedented position, with home lockdowns, social distancing, and unfolding economic impacts whose ramifications are starting to emerge. The virus is affecting nearly everything, to a greater or lesser degree, including how environmental issues can be tackled.
3
Finding pleasure and aliveness in a pandemic
Have you had a healthy relationship with your pleasure lately? How can we use sensual pleasure to become more resilient?
4
How do you prosper during COVID-19?
Seeking strength through adversity, and adapting to change, Craig finds a way to prosper – and discovers a brand new passion along the way.
5
The art of making meaning – post-pandemic style
Making meaning helps us endure and recover from traumatic experiences, and could help you thrive beyond COVID-19 by Larissa Wright
6
Looking after your mind to look after your future
Do you have the mind skills required to perform at your best during difficult times? Here are 3 lessons we can learn from this pandemic that equip us create a thriving future
