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Several years ago I wrote Enlightenment Ain’t What It’s Cracked Up To Be. I did a good deal of promotion for it last year: wrote articles; gave lots of radio interviews; went on book tours to Europe, the Midwestern US, Seattle and Portland, and California. Sold some copies. Gave talks to between about 10 and 75. Folks laughed at my jokes and clapped enthusiastically. All in all, a pretty fun and productive time.
My last talk was in Olympia, WA. It was supposed to be an hour’s drive from Seattle, but it actually took three. I arrived just in time. There were three people there. One was mute, speaking in a rudimentary kind of sign language, and homeless. The other two, also homeless, were either schizophrenic or psychotic. I’m not sure which.
I gave my talk. After all, they had come. Though not well plugged in, all three were interesting in their way. No book sales.
That evening, with the long drive and the strangeness of the audience, felt like the end of something. To write the book I had gone on a month-long retreat and spent two years editing. I had done everything I could to make the book excellent, the cover just so. Promotion took another year or two. I gave lots of talks and radio interviews. Those trips. And the sales did okay. I am very proud of that book and of what I did to promote it. Financially, I was in the black on my book tours, which is amazing I hear. But that evening, with my audience of three psychotics, was the end.
But the goal of enlightenment to which I had clung was, I said in the book, part real and part fantasy. There is something called enlightenment. It is important and useful in its way. But it’s not the perfect life, the trouble-free existence, the neon-light experience that it had been in my fantasy. Useful, yes. The perfect life, no. Enlightenment ain’t, as the book title said, what it’s cracked up to be.
Or not the fantasy version. Funnily enough, I thought, I had achieved a modicum of each. In one colleague’s wonderful phrase, I had gained a ‘mezzanine level’ of fame. I’m not a celebrity (top floor); haven’t been in People Magazine. But there are probably some 10,000 people whose name I have never heard who know my name and something of my work. I have enough saved up to not have to worry about money. Even 25 years after being published, my academic writings are still referred to. And as a professor, I’ve affected a few students’ lives. Some of my students have even become professors in my field. And my teaching continues to go well. I have tenure, money, reputation, and more.
But what I got, really, was just a life. This particular life, this particular house and marriage and children and pet. It was shaped by my aspirations and goals, but this life is what I got.
But being called, too, seems at this point like another kind of fantasy. It seemed so important when I was 30; perhaps it was. And yet…society has and will move on. It won’t be long before the whole concern with mysticism and spirituality will seem a quaint preoccupation—either because it’s become a normal part of society (like civil rights) or because society has dropped it entirely (like phlogiston). So what called me, the vision that rumbled through my heart and days, will come to seem, well, not as big a deal as it once seemed.
Everything that drives us, I’m coming to think, every goal that we cherish in our hearts, be they society-wide, family-wide or heart-wide, turns out to be, like enlightenment itself, not even close to what they were cracked up to be. Those goals that motivate our lives—fame, money, adoration, influencing others, the happy family—all of these seem to be useful in their way yet mostly interesting images and fantasies. And not quite like the movie in the back of our heads.
But once you’ve gotten the joke, when you’ve seen the obsession that you yourself have lived within, then what?
I’m not sure if this will be a final answer, but what I’ve been doing ever since that drive back from Olympia has been to take my goals on as a meditation. Every time I find myself thinking that I should do this or that, that I should market my book or should write something brilliant or should do something for the family, I’ve been trying to simply take notice. I can act on it or not, but I’m just noticing the impulse.
It didn’t take long to realise how much this drive to be more than I am was a subtle kind of life-long obsession. It’s a script, and I’ve been incredibly loyal to it. And in the face of my noticing my obsessive thoughts, my drive to be something other than what I am, my ambition if you will, has been quietly melting away.
But just being like this feels like I’m breaking some kind of rule. There was some kind of unspoken law in my family and my society: ‘thou shalt be ambitious’; ‘thou shalt take care of others …’; and ‘thou shalt never notice this rule’.
This is not to say I’m doing nothing good in the world. When I am invited to speak some place or write an article, like this one, I’ll do it if it seems right or interesting. When my son broke his arm recently, I was only too happy to help. But I’m not out looking for people to save, causes to champion.
I want to say I’m living more naturally out of my own soul, as if my soul itself guides my days. It’s as if I am being more naturally who and what I am. But that too starts to sound like a goal, and that’s not it at all.
Yet I can say this feels somehow like another level of spiritual discovery. In dropping the illusions that once comprised my life, I’m living more as simply what I am. I like it.
Robert Forman is author of Enlightenment Ain’t What It’s Cracked Up To Be, a professor of comparative religions, and most enjoys being a spiritual counsellor.
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Who are we? Why it matters
Gregg Braden asks: Who are we? Why would it matter? How differently would we live our lives knowing that we’re more than the product of random evolution?
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Got Chronic Drama Syndrome?
When good things happen to you, do you find it hard to accept them? When bad things happen do you accept it as your lot in life?
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Do You Suffer from Drama Syndrome?
Explore the psychological impact of drama syndrome. Learn how to manage emotional turbulence and improve mental well-being with practical strategies.
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Depressive realism vs delusional optimism
Would you rather be a depressed realist or a delusional optimist? Compile evidence to support the story that you are having an amazingly blessed and happy life.
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Are you being pulled from above or below?
Are you being ‘guided to walk away’ because something doesn’t feel right, or are you avoiding an important spiritual message from above? Important; look within.
1
2020: The year I started getting paid while lounging in the nude
How coping with the lockdown started a new business, re-ignited a creative passion, and cured anxiety.
2
A framework for thriving through and beyond the pandemic
It may sound counter-intuitive but the key to thriving is struggle. So, if you have really struggled in lockdown this is your opportunity – grab it with everything you have!
3
The environment in a post-lockdown world
Earlier this year, the world entered unchar ted waters when a coronavirus outbreak turned into a global pandemic. This placed the citizens of most industrialised countries in an unprecedented position, with home lockdowns, social distancing, and unfolding economic impacts whose ramifications are starting to emerge. The virus is affecting nearly everything, to a greater or lesser degree, including how environmental issues can be tackled.
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Finding pleasure and aliveness in a pandemic
Have you had a healthy relationship with your pleasure lately? How can we use sensual pleasure to become more resilient?
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How do you prosper during COVID-19?
Seeking strength through adversity, and adapting to change, Craig finds a way to prosper – and discovers a brand new passion along the way.
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The art of making meaning – post-pandemic style
Making meaning helps us endure and recover from traumatic experiences, and could help you thrive beyond COVID-19 by Larissa Wright
