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painting by @stephanie.rose.freeman5 steps to having better sex and orgasms – by dating yourselfThese tips might sound simple, yet they go way beyond just experiencing more physical pleasure, and lead to deeper emotional satisfaction.by Mangala HollandThings have gone stale in the bedroom. The spark and chemistry of those early days in the relationship is a distant memory, and you feel like best friends rather than red hot lovers.
I’m a female sexuality and orgasms coach, and I hear this from clients all the time. And my single clients feel like they’re never going to meet anyone. They wonder if it’s ever going to happen for them, and they waste time and energy on dating apps hooking up with randoms for validation and distraction – yet what they actually yearn for is intimacy on a deep level. Almost everyone feels like they’re not getting their needs met. And yet, they’re not quite sure what those needs are… a sense that there should be something more, something more fulfilling physically, but also emotionally!Sometimes this shows up as lack of orgasm, or it feels like lovemaking has become a ‘race to orgasm’. This puts so much pressure on the outcome of the experience, and can lead to folks feeling like a failure if it goes wrong – which leads to one party often shutting down, the other party feeling rejected, and then neither want to initiate, and things get mega awkward.
Here’s my advice to shift all that, and it starts with you. 1. Bring more pleasure into your lifeLook at all the things in your life that bring you a sense of joy, lightness, fun, and freedom, and then create ways to cultivate more. This could be more time with friends, eating certain food, going to new places, etc. Pleasure is so much more than a sexual or a genital experience – it’s our fuel for life! A flow of energy that we can tap into for enhanced creativity and vitality. It’s essential for our well-being, rather than some frivolous luxury.
painting by @stephanie.rose.freeman2. Get to know your bodyIf you’re disconnected from your body it’s hard to feel pleasure (and even harder to experience orgasms). It also makes it hard to connect intimately with others. Spend time dancing or doing unstructured movement so you can really tune into how your body feels. Yoga and sports will make you feel good, but they don’t create the space for you to track subtle sensations, or deeply tune in to what feels good for you in the moment. 3. Practise self-pleasureDid you know that most women and folks with vulvas find it easier to orgasm on their own than with a partner? If you want to awaken full body pleasure and deep, satisfying, mind-blowing internal orgasms, it’s actually much easier to discover them for yourself first. Some people feel guilt or shame about self-pleasure if they’re in relationship. Or they think that it’s not necessary. Instead, try taking the pressure off your partner to provide your pleasure.
Nobody can give you orgasms. Get curious about what works for you. 4. Communicate your needsOnce you’ve found out what really works for you, it gets easier to ask for it! You’ll have more confidence in knowing what works for you – whether that’s the amount of time you need, a certain pace, a specific touch, what you need to feel safe, or a certain position. 5. Take yourself out for solo date nightsHave fun just for you! Spoil yourself. Fill your pleasure tank, and revel in your senses. It builds your confidence. It helps you feel empowered, whether you’re in an intimate relationship with another human or not.
There’s something very gratifying about knowing that you can have amazing experiences with yourself. Your pleasure and fulfilment are not dependent on anyone else, and that’s incredibly liberating.
Dating yourself creates higher discernment when it comes to dating – you need less external validation and have greater confidence and self-worth. In relationships it helps you create deeper communication and an enhanced depth of trust and intimacy. You’ll have more confidence in yourself, which impacts every area of your life. Women’s empowerment & sexuality coach, and facilitator of global group programs, Mangala helps pussy-owners become empowered through loving themselves fiercely, celebrating their sexuality, and overcoming the fear, guilt and shame that keeps them playing small. [NEXT ARTICLE]
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